Nothing will fuck up your twenties more than thinking you’re supposed to have your shit together.
We mourn the passing of a loved one. We gather around a coffin, knowing that the sturdy wood before us would be the last thing on earth to hold you and it’s sad to know that there is no one there to fold their arms around you in death. We cry at the loss of your voice, the loss of your smile, your laugh. And dressed in black, we hug one another, listen to the preacher speak, and sing Amazing Grace to send you off with peace, because that is what our family has always done.
I want to wear pink to your funeral. I want to laugh, and remember the time you told us that God had been telling you that you needed to move out of your house, because, my god, you sounded crazy. I want let my dad know that it’s okay, to tell him that you were proud of him, to have him smile, because he would remember the time you had kissed his skinned knees as a child and told him you loved him. I want us to sing along to the church hymns that were your favorite and throw flower petals in the air because you finally get to see your husband, your son, your mother, your God, and we should really celebrate that.
We should celebrate your life, because even when you seemed crazy, even when you got on our nerves, or left lipstick smudges on our cheeks, we were loved, and we had you in our lives. You raised your children to believe in God, to say their prayers, to love the children that they would come to have. You taught your granddaughters to be strong, to smile, to never back down, because us Bourdon women were strong. You taught your grandsons to respect women, to provide and love, to watch their mouths and to stand tall, because Bourdon men were proud.
You sent us cards every year, kissed our cheeks every visit and said I love you every chance you could, because you knew it mattered. Because you knew one day, we wouldn’t have those moments anymore.
So I want to wear pink, even though it clashes with my hair. I want to throw flower petals in the air and thank God that I had the chance to know the woman I was named for. Because it’s a pretty good name, and now I’m the only one with it, and it already feels a little lonely.
Rest in Peace, Grandma. You’ll be missed more than you know.
"bollocks" is such a funny word to me like what is a bollock
it’s literally a testicle
are you telling me that “bollocks” is literally just the english way of cursing “balls”
are you telling me that people didn’t know that
All I can think about right now is, “The Blind Side” starring Sandra Balls.
1. I lost your lighter. The one you had since you were in high school. It didn’t work anymore but you took it with you everywhere. I know you wished you could’ve used it to light your cigarettes. Burn yourself alive. I know it kept you safe. I thought you’d be mad but you didn’t mind that it was gone. You don’t seem to have a problem losing things you care about.
2. You used to tell me you could taste stars in my mouth. You haven’t kissed me in days.
3. I played my favorite song for you a few months ago. I got it stuck in your head. You played it on repeat for weeks. I tried to listen to it last night and you told me to shut it off, you were sick of it.
4. I know you’re tired of trying to fix me. I think you’ve realized that there will always be nights when I fall apart. You will always have to come home and find me shaking on the bathroom floor. You will always have to try and save me. I think you finally noticed that the cuts on my wrist never heal.
5. Some nights when I’m so numb I can’t feel the covers around me, I’ll sleep on the floor. I’ve slept on the floor for the last 8 nights. You haven’t mentioned it.
6. You threw away the book I gave you for your birthday because it was damaged.
7. I saw the way you looked at her.
8. You used to make my heart beat faster. Lately, it’s been falling out of my chest. You don’t seem to mind
A Lack Of Color | Death Cab For Cutie
This is fact not fiction
For the first time in years
I am still too scared to write
for fear they aren’t ready yet.
Please let me underneath your skin
so that I can hide them there
until they learn the taste of bravery
and know how to stand on their own.